


Confessions

by Sourlander



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M, Family, finn - Freeform, force
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2016-05-24
Packaged: 2018-06-10 11:52:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6955384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sourlander/pseuds/Sourlander
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Finn is worried. Everything should be fine, and it is, really. But she is acting weird and he has no idea what's going on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Confessions

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This one is for this weeks prompt by @finnsundays This week’s prompt is #family , which is a very sensitive topic with Finn I think. I did my best. ;)

 

 

Keeping his eyes tightly shut he did his best to ignore the gentle patting of rain on the window. The more he concentrated on emptying his mind, the more sensitive he became to his surroundings. To the hard floor on which he was sitting. To the wind whistling in the branches of trees outside. To the small animals taking shelter from the rain. To his own heart pumping in his chest.

Finn couldn’t seem to be able to ignore the world around him, when he knew that he should. He had always been bad at this particular exercise. He had been used to staying quiet and keeping himself to himself when he had served under the First Order, but he had never been asked to shut down his brain. On the contrary. Constant vigilance had been drilled into him and even though he enjoyed moments of quiet now, he couldn’t stop thinking. Ever. He had problems concentrating on nothing. It was like the Force wouldn’t let him. At least that was what he had tried to tell Luke over and over again. In moments like these, when he couldn’t let the Force draw him in completely to get lost in its depths, he felt like he had made the wrong decision. But Luke still had faith in him. Even if, after two whole years of training, Finn couldn’t immerse himself into a meditation as fully as Rey or Luke’s other pupils. Sometimes he felt like he should quit. Give up. But giving up was not part of his nature. It had never been really.

And so he didn’t give up on this either. He just had to try and draw his attention away from the things farthest from him and concentrate more and more on himself and maybe then he’d be able to lose himself in the Force. Slowly he managed to push away the thoughts of the miniscule mammal, native to this planet, which was seeking shelter in one of the trees outside and he focused instead on the flat stone lying in front of him. This had been a piece of advice Luke had given him: just concentrate on an inanimate object and continue from there. He felt the Force flowing through him, lifting the stone off the floor. It was quivering slightly, but Finn knew that he couldn’t get angry at himself for not channelling the Force as perfectly as he should, but he had felt _her_ approaching. Normally that wasn’t a problem, but her presence drawing nearer, combined with the thought of what that meant made the hairs on his neck stand up.

When the door slid open, he felt his face contort with concentration. Something was off. It had been since he had arrived here, but he had no idea what it was. And suddenly it all came back to him. Her faltering smile. This sense of something being wrong. He heard her steps drawing nearer, felt that she wanted to be close to him but at the same time was hiding something. Something he couldn’t quite place and with a loud noise the flat stone he had been hovering a couple of inches above the ground fell to the floor.

Finn opened his eyes and turned his head around to face her. Yafah was kneeling behind him, her white doctor’s coat as clean as ever and her auburn curly hair falling over her shoulders. Her bright blue eyes sparkled and the smile on her lips seemed genuine, but Finn couldn’t shake the feeling he had had since he had arrived here. “Hey...”, he said softly, slightly scared that she might push him away once and for all. But she didn’t.

Yafah put one of her slender hands on his cheek and pulled him towards her so she could plant a kiss on his mouth. Her lips were soft and promising, despite the feeling of dread seeming to emanate from her. “Hey...”, she whispered. He spotted two ginger hairs  clinging to the white fabric of her coat.

Raising an eyebrow he looked into her eyes. If she didn’t want him to tell what was going on, then he would wait. Patience was something he had to work on as well, but somehow he knew that he would be able to wait. “Are we leaving?”, he asked, already knowing the answer.

Yafah nodded. “I’m just going to change very quickly.” She winked at him, but she didn’t appear to be entirely focused on him as she got up and went over to the closet.

Finn picked up the stone and levitated it a couple of inches above his hand, feeling the force move through him and pretending to be occupied in this exercise, but really watching her as she undressed and picked out a different pair of trousers and a white tunic. He felt like he’d be able to watch her forever.

They had met about two years ago on a celebration commemorating the defeat of the First Order. She had served as a medic on one of the infirmary ships during the war, but they had never met until then. Finn would never forget the moment her light blue eyes had met his after she had dumped her cocktail over a decorative plant. She hadn’t liked it and had had no idea where to put it, but when she had realized that he had seen her she had gone bright red. Finn had felt her embarrassment as if it were his own and from the moment he had started talking to her he had known, that she was someone very special. After about a week of constantly thinking about her, he had confided in Luke, who had taken him on as a pupil shortly before. At first he had almost expected to be scolded by the Jedi Master, but of course he didn’t have to be. Rey was Luke’s daughter after all and the Jedi had changed their attitude towards relationships with Luke Skywalker. Luke himself had been married. Finn hadn’t asked about that of course, only about how he could deal with these feelings of sudden warmth and attraction to someone else, especially since he should be focused on his training and the ways of the Force. Luke had told him that he should be careful, of course, but that feeling these things was perfectly normal and that suppressing them might lead to disaster if they were truly serious feelings.

Of course what Finn had felt at first couldn’t be called love, but over time, as he allowed himself to grow more and more attached to Yafah, that wonderful, clever and clumsy doctor, he had discovered, that what he shared with her actually made him stronger. More relaxed. More at ease. Until now that was.

He watched her as she closed the top button on her tunic and then turned around to face him. Finn had been sent home to spend some time with her and, and this was making Finn really uncomfortable, her family. He had never met them. Not once. Maybe this was what was making her feel this nervous as well? He didn’t know, but if it was, he didn’t want to ask. Slowly he got to his feet and reached out to her. She immediately walked towards him, hugging him tight. He felt her softness, her warmth and the sense of dread hanging over her, which made his insides squirm.

***

Her father, Matio, was lifting her high up in the air and even though she wasn’t a little girl anymore, she laughed heartily, but Finn knew, that she couldn’t quite enjoy her father’s attentions. Feeling like this might be his fault, he took a step back, but was immediately caught in her mother’s embrace.

            “So you’re the Jedi my daughter is seeing?” Aoyeh smiled and let go of him. Her feedback indicated that she was neither worried about her daughter being involved with a Jedi, nor displeased at him appearing in his modest Jedi robes. He didn’t have much else to wear, since it was part of the life he had chosen for himself, but he was glad that she didn’t consider his appearance inappropriate for a meeting like this.

            Finn smiled. “Not a Jedi”, he said quietly, looking at Yafah, who had her feet firmly back on the ground and who was approaching him and her mother now with her father at her side. “But I will be, eventually.” He smiled slightly and was relieved when Yafah’s father extended a hand towards him. Shaking it, Finn realized that they welcomed him into their family, even though they had never met them before. Yafah put her arm around his waist, but somehow this felt insincere. She was not really holding tight to him. Why had she brought him here, if she didn’t really want him?

            “I’m glad she’s finally introducing you. She can’t stop babbling about you, when she’s here.” Yafah’s mother grabbed him by the sleeve and started pulling him towards the living room. Finn threw a look over his shoulder at Yafah and her father. Yafah was still standing in the hallway and only followed them reluctantly.

            “I’m sorry,” Finn said. “I hope she’s not boring you? My Jedi training isn’t particularly interesting, I’m afraid.”

            Aoyeh pushed him inside one of the chairs and Finn got a chance to quickly glance around the room. Pictures of Yafah as a child or as a young woman in various places he didn’t recognize. Of her with her parents, especially her father. Finn felt a pang of regret in the pit of his stomach. This happened very often lately, whenever he thought of the family he himself would never know. The family the First Order had taken from him so many years ago. Parents, who would never know what had become of him. He would never get the opportunity to talk to them. To introduce Yafah, his wonderful, beautiful Yafah, to them. But then... maybe Yafah didn’t want to be introduced, even if she could’ve gotten the chance. She felt distant. Very far away. Did she regret bringing him here? But why then, had she asked him to come? Why hadn’t she cancelled their plans?

            He heard Aoyeh talking rapidly to her daughter, and he even managed to say a few words, when he was addressed, but he kept getting distracted. He didn’t even want to listen in, but he couldn’t help catching glimpses of her thoughts, though he had trouble making sense of them. She was thinking about her childhood. Her parents. He saw a mental picture of her playing outside with her friends. With her father. Her mother. All of a sudden she felt secure. Happy, even, and then their eyes met and her plump face showed a smile, but her eyes were not focused on him. She tried to hide her feelings, tried to push away those emotions of happiness, giddiness even, and something, which could only be fear. Fear of what? Of him? Why? Why would she be scared of him?! He saw himself in the thoughts he couldn’t help but catch. Of him holding on tight to her. Of him kissing her neck. The feeling of his breath on her skin. How it made her feel.

            “Let me take your bags upstairs.” Matio got up. Finn hadn’t even realized that they had all sat down. He quickly shook his head.

            “No,” he said. “Please, let me.” He wanted to get out. To get out of this room. Out of this confining space of welcoming attention directed at him. He didn’t even feel like he belong here. Not in the slightest.

It was one thing to be among the other Padawan at the new founded Jedi Academy, but this... this was different. There he felt at home. At ease. He used to feel even more so around Yafah. But not anymore. Something had changed and he didn’t know what. Utterly confused he grabbed the bags. It had taken them two hours in a speeder to get from the city to this place, but the ride had been more than uncomfortable, the tension between him and Yafah building up with every minute they kept silent and Finn had refused to try and use the Force to find out what was going on. That would’ve been wrong. Absolutely wrong. Inexcusable. He had no business in her mind, if she didn’t want to share it with him.

            Before he had reached the door, she was by his side. She looked at her parents and then at him. Finn looked down at her, unable to hide the sadness in his stare. Why didn’t she want him anymore?

            “Let me show you the way.” She squeezed past him and Finn followed her up the stairs and into the first room on the left. His eyes fell upon the window overlooking a large garden. He saw posters of places she loved, of artists she adored, but he didn’t take anything in. He just let the bags drop onto the floor.

            “Maybe I should just go,” he said quietly and she turned around to face him, her eyes wide with shock.

            “What? Why?!” She felt confused. Scared even. Why? Didn’t she know? How could she not know?

            Finn shook his head. “You don’t want me here. I don’t know why you wanted me to come in the first place, or why you took me along, but I think I should leave now, don’t you?”

            When he felt her sudden wave of anxiety and a turmoil of emotions coming from her. He felt it resonating in his very being. Felt her tremble without even touching her.

            “No!” Yafah said quickly, taking a step towards him and before he could stop her, she had her arms wrapped around him. “Don’t leave...”, she whispered. “Don’t ever leave me. Don’t you dare.” She wasn’t sad, he realized. Not angry. Not with him. Not with anybody.

            “Wh-“, he began, but couldn’t continue. He felt her tears, hot on his chest, soaking his tunic, and without thinking he pulled her closer, one hand buried in her thick curly hair. This was even more peculiar than anything he had experienced so far.

            “Don’t you feel it, Master Jedi?”

            “Feel what?”, he asked, his voice shaky with her emotions. And then she lowered her defences, invited him in, the way she had done so often before. She didn’t know the ways of the Force, but she knew how to open herself up. To him.

Gently she dislodged herself from his embrace, took his hand in his and led him towards the bed. Before he knew it she was lying on her back, him on top of her. The door to her room was wide open, but Finn didn’t care. Not at all. She looked up at him, her gaze earnest, but finally he saw the warmth in her eyes, which were unusually bright.

            “You tell me, Master Jedi...” She smiled slightly and Finn knew.... he just knew.

            Open mouthed he stared down at her. At Yafah. The person he cared more about than anyone else in the world and within a fragment of a second the entire universe seemed to crash down on him.

***

That night he fell asleep with his head on her soft belly. That night was the first time he was able to fully immerse himself in the Force for that was the place he could be really close to the daughter he was going to have.


End file.
